A new post, a new living situation

It seems that every time i post on "blogspot," i have completely different feelings with everything going on. I also seem to be living in a different house every time.

I lived in the spacious house of strangers from July 2009 to March 2010. I became best friends with a ginger cat with freckles. Then I realized that I was being ripped off, and decided to live somewhere better.

I moved into a house of friends, close to downtown, in a better neighborhood, for less money. Dream come true. Everything about the living situation is great, except that my room is small and there is not natural light. The lack of sunshine makes my mood a little down. A little dark. Not so bright. It's cool for sleeping in, being lazy, and never getting out of the cave... but to be productive and feel better... not so much. It's not SO bad, but waking up with the sun creeping through the shades and making shadows would be so much better. Everything would be better if it was sunny all the time... unless I'm on the coast. That's different though.

Things are tremendously better right now. I'm in good spirits, my love life isn't on the rocks, and I feel as though I'm figuring myself out a bit. Though things are better, thing$$ are not better.

I blame it all on a drunken night which makes me 3,000+ dollars in debt. It's mind boggling, really. My own mother even suggested that I avoid all payments and go into massive debt. Shit, if I do that, I might as well go all out and buy as much as I can and go bankrupt.

Bankruptcy is kind of romanticized in my eyes. Wouldn't it be AWESOME to do whatever you wanted for a while. Travel, experience, have fun. Sure, they might be able to repo your car and some physical items... but those experiences, those trips... that'd be impossible. I feel like if i was actually crazy, and rather influential, I'd get a group of awesome people to all go bankrupt with me. We'd all do it together, because going down isn't that fun... unless you're with fun people. So, if you want to go bankrupt with me, lets!

i don't know where i was planning on going with this, but who gives a shit.

The Process of Growing Up

When does a person grow up? Does a person ever grow up? Is a person only grown up in comparison to someone who's oviously "not grown up?" How does a person define what a 20 something year old person is in today's society? Especially one with no real career or anything defining who they are. I do not know.

For the first time in my life, I'm actually independent. I moved half way across the country, got my first full time job (so what if i'm only really working 32-37 hours a week... I like free time). After bumming off of my boyfriend (ex? current? pending?) for 6 months, I got my own place. I moved out of his 10x12ft room that uncomfortably held two twin size mattresses, a small three drawer dresser, a book shelf made of books, a large shelf, that once held the mattresses before the room slept two, and all of my belongings into a spacious 12x17 room with high cielings, a large closet, central air and good light. I now have my own huge room with all of my belongings; my clothes, computer, and art supply. I did not get anyone to help me move, although it was easy considering I only brought one car load with me to my new life in Texas. My room is slowly transforming into a living space with a few small pieces of furniture, and my newly beloved air mattress with a 2 inch memory foam on top.

For the first time ever, I am paying my own rent. No monthly allowance from my dad. No mooching off of my parents. The room in the house of strangers is financially easy, 400$. I make about 650 a paycheck, meaning I make 1300 dollars a month. What I'm about to be doing stresses me out and gives me cold sores and zits. I am about to pay for my car insurance (50$) for the first time in my life. I am about to have my own health insurance, for a price (100$). I have to get my car fixed (Who knows what?!). I pay bills(cell 70, creditcard 70+, gas&electric 50, automobile gas 80, etc). I feed myself. I take care of myself. I am constantly thinking of moving home because of all the money I could save and when I break down the big hug I'll get from my mom. But in contrast, I always think of how much I love Austin, Tx.

And re-working everything out I realize that it's possible.

I'll go more into detail on my intense love for this city in another post.

Right now I need a game plan. A life plan. No, I don't like planning for that long. i don't like planning at all, to be honest. Well, I like loose plans. Sketchy plans. I don't know what I really like and what I don't like. Here's my idea I came up with while walking to the bathroom earlier today. A two week plan, where I have a rotating agenda. a bi-monthly sketchy/loose/possible plan. Something like this:

Monday: Go somewhere new. (A restaurant, a gift store, a thrift store, a park, a neighborhood, etc)
Tuesday: Build/create something. (A frame, a book, sew something ... if I ever get a sewing machine)
Wednesday: Draw something. (This should be everyday, really)
Thursday: Paint something. (Why don't I ever paint? I have excuses, but they are not good ones)
Friday: Cook something new. (I love cooking)
Saturday: Work all day. (I work from 8am-9pm, I am not going to plan anything. Except reasearch on the internet things to do!)
Sunday: Relax. Have fun. Do whatever feels natural.
Monday: Buy something. (Sewing machine, shelf, a book, a shirt, furniture, a painting)
Tuesday: Go to a coffee shop and get out of the house. Draw, read, people watch...
Wednesday: Go to a new bar, even if just for one drink.
Thursday: Write a letter to someone.
Friday: Go somewhere and take photos.
Saturday: Work all day.
Sunday: Relax.

This is a really sketchy idea of how I'd like to manage my time. I'd like to be more productive. I'd like to feel busier. I'd also like to meet more people and have more of a social life, but since that's harder for me, I can at least have a "better" anti-social life.

I just feel like I need more worth in my day to day schedule. If I can take a self portrait everyday, I should be able to add on to my daily schedule and become more and more creative. I look at so many amazing photos on flickr that I want to paint, but I don't because I don't have anything to paint on... because I don't feel comfortable painting in my room... because I don't manage my time the right way to do the things that I SHOULD really be doing.

Maybe if I write about what I have done everyday, I'll stick to a schedule better.

Feelin' down.

I got some more news. This news is different news. Good news, but not the best news for me. It may mean that I need to move home. Or move into my car. Or find a boyfriend off of Craigslist. Things are looking down. Maybe things will look up.

Hello.

I'm sitting on a mattress, arms angled up typing this. The roosters keep on yelling, the doves keep on on cooing, the grackles are making their machine like noises. It's nice out right now, but I know it's going to heat up. It's going to be humid, and I'll be in a horrible mood. I'm in Austin, Texas, and I don't really know what I'm doing here. There are no jobs. I'm running out of money. And I need my own life. I got some unsettling "news" today that I had tried to pry out for years, but was never admitted till now. Now it's admitted, and I'm here, and I don't feel "great" about what I was just told. "I'm only telling you this, because it's the truth and lying doesn't make anything better." Which makes no sense now. It should have been told before, when I was trying to figure and sort everything out. Now my feelings our shifted, and I don't know if I want to be here.


I never really use blogspot.